


Kirei's Spicy Sermon

by Arkade



Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Food Porn, Food Sex, I cannot stop shitposting, I promise I can write non meme content, I'm Sorry, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:20:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25217647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arkade/pseuds/Arkade
Summary: Kirei goes about his usual business at the church and takes time to enjoy the simple pleasures in life
Relationships: Gilgamesh | Archer & Kotomine Kirei, Kotomine Kirei/A bowl of Mapo Tofu
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Kirei's Spicy Sermon

“Rejoice my boy, for soon your wish will come true.” With those words, the false priest let the heavy doors of the church ease shut. The Emiya boy was interesting, but only time would tell how he compared to his father. A smile spread across his face as Kirei Kotomine reminisced about the previous war. Kiritsugu Emiya was an intimidating and powerful foe with a servant to match. He feared him, but it would be a lie to say he didn’t respect him as well. His son, on the other hand, seemed comparatively naive and underprepared. No matter. There was no teacher like the crucible of battle, especially with young Tohsaka seeming to take a liking to him in her own bizarre way. That was a problem for the Emiya heir to face, however, for Kirei had more important business to attend to. Making his way through the back tunnels of the church, he nodded quietly at his longtime companion, the King of Heroes.

“Unexpected company at this hour, Kirei? Not quite the time for a sermon, is it?” The smirk behind Gilgamesh’s words was tangible as the question floated down the hall. The priest, his smug smile having since fallen from his face after his meeting, answered back in his usual solemn tone.

“Worry not, King of Heroes, merely a lost lamb seeking to learn of the slaughter that awaits it. You might know him as the son of Saber’s master from the previous war?” He thought aloud as he made his way through the complex, leaving Gilgamesh to his own devices behind him. “Matou, Tohsaka, Einzbern and now Emiya. This war is shaping up to be almost comfortably familiar.” He passed by the room where his brand new Lancer servant was licking fresh wounds after a back to back battle with Archer and Saber. Briefly, he wondered if Lancers were just weak by nature, or if the Fuyuki Grail had a sense of humor that was incomprehensible to even God’s children. Shrugging off those thoughts, he made his way down the shadowy staircase in the corner of the courtyard, descending into the church’s musty bowels.

As expected, the usual sight greeted him. That system keeping the King of Heroes functional in this world after their encounter with the contents of the previous grail: a set of orphan “batteries” that he had acquired from the fallout of the Great Fuyuki Fire. They had served their purpose well, and would continue to do so until the fast approaching day where they would no longer be needed. That being said, Kirei was not one to be lost in the big picture. He was a man of action, and there was but one reason he came down here. Making his way to the back of the tunnel that housed the orphans where a small heating pad and table sat. Removing the extremely spicy mapo tofu from the pad, he set it down on the table and stood over it, taking a moment to let the smell of delicious mapo mingle with the scent of the slightly rotting corpses around him. Not letting worldly comforts sway his actions for too long, Kirei steeled himself for his duty.

Slowly, gently, he unfastened his outer robe, letting it sink to the floor. Next, he moved on to his shirt, unbuttoning each button with the practice elegance of a professional. That too fluttered to the ground. Allowing routine to guide his actions, he unzipped his pants and dropped them, along with his briefs unceremoniously to the cold and dank floor. Now fully nude, he stared down at the steaming mapo with a renewed vigor. Methodically, he began to stroke his hardening cock in his hand, until it was left rigid and throbbing in his calloused palms. Preparations were now complete.

Not wasting any time on the foreplay, Kirei swiftly proceeded to the main course. As his turgid member submerged itself in the boiling hot liquid he repressed the urge to shudder in delight. The tofu pressed up against his shaft as he began to move. Rocking his hips back and forth, he began to fuck the spicy tofu. Feeling the bite of the peppercorns slithering into his urethra contrasting with the tofu tickling his balls, he held back a moan. As his fleshy Black Key continued to assault the sanctity of the sauce, ripples and waves began to form. Despite this, Kirei remained a cautious man, and did not allow a drop to spill or splash astray. The stimulation was finally reaching peak levels despite this.

Unable to withhold his pleasure any longer, he groaned loudly.

“Behold, he is cumming with the clouds, and every eye will see him, even those who penetrated him, and all tribes of the earth will moan on account of him. Even so. Amen!”

With a grunted semen sermon (Revelation 1:7), Kotomine spread his spunk amidst the tofu, quivering with righteous delight. Composing himself once more, he shook any detritus from his dong and garbed himself with his typical cold professionalism. Sitting himself down at the table, he smiled knowingly at the bodies that unconsciously observed his habits and turned once more to the bowl of Extremely Spicy Mapo Tofu that now sat in front of him. A rare genuine grin splitting his face, the false priest readied his spoon and began his feast.

  
  


_ There’s nothing quite like Mapo with a homemade touch. _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to apologize to everyone who subjected themselves to reading this, but I hope you enjoyed this story. This is a gift for a friend who's very into Kirei, so I decided to write this as a way for her to express her love of the false priest. I promise someday I'll write something legitimate and not cursed sex in all the wrong places.


End file.
